Chemo Break

Chemo #16
This is it, my last treatment!  This isn't how I pictured it.  I expected it to be after a clean scan.  It's a little bit scary, not being on chemo...but it's also very exciting.  I want to be strong.  I was worried that I wouldn't be feeling genuine joy today.  I've been emotional and a little conflicted for a few days.  But last night I sat on my back porch and had a good talk with Jesus, and today I have so much joy in my heart it might burst.  I am so blessed!  I have come SO far in these 5 1/2 months.  In January...I walked into this place, a dying woman.  Pain had become so much a part of my life, I forgot what it felt like to be without it.  There is nothing but life in me today.  There is no pain.  There is no sickness.  I will not be sitting around waiting for the tumors to grow...I'll be enjoying life and claiming my next scan will be clean, just like I did last time.  While I'm not on chemo, I am still "on" the blood of Jesus.  God is good!  By His stripes, I am healed!

The Choice Is Yours

In life we get the impression that we have so much control.  We make plans and set goals at a young age that shape our futures.  Go to this school…get this job…buy this house.  We think we have control over our bodies.  Want to lose weight?  Diet and exercise.  Want muscle definition?  Work out.  Want a new hair style?  Pick one and go for it.  And then something like cancer comes in and tries to take over every aspect of your life and you have no say so whatsoever.  Your body betrays you.  You are deteriorating.  Suddenly, those goals you set for 5 years from now are simply just to be alive.  To make it.

It may seem like cancer has taken away any control you might have over your life, but the truth is…you do still have a choice.  You choose how you are going to handle this situation.  Yes, it might knock you down but you have the choice to get back up and keep fighting.  You are strong, you are courageous, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  There are no impossibilities.  The same God that made this entire universe took the time to make YOU.  He adores YOU.  You are not just another statistic.  He’s going to help you get through this in one way or another, but YOU have to decide.  He wants you to choose to love Him, to accept Him.  He will not force you.

You cannot go through something such as cancer unchanged.  You do have a say so in how it changes you.  You can be bitter.  Or you can be blessed.  Spending the rest of my days being blessed sounds a lot better than spending them being bitter, don't you agree?

So I have big plans.  My goals from the beginning of this were to grow old with my husband and watch my children grow up.  I’m focusing on that and believing that will be given to me.  God has brought me so far since January.  Just 5 short months ago, when I looked in the mirror, I saw death.  Now, I see nothing but LIFE.  I see a promise.  I choose to believe in that promise.  I’m going to make it.

On The Battlefield

Fighting for your life.  What does this mean?  To me, it means I'm fighting cancer among other things.  Really, I am in two separate battles.  One is physical.  The chemo is coursing through my veins, killing everything in sight.  The good news is the bad cells are taking a big hit.  The bad news...so are the good cells.  So my physical battle will be put on hold soon.  I welcome the break.  It will be good for me to gain my strength back and enjoy that freedom, physically.

The other battle is mental.  It is 100% in my head.  The way I see it is like this:  I am standing on a battlefield.  On the opposing side there is chaos.  There is death, despair, pain, defeat, fear, mockery.  They are all big horrible monsters chomping at the bit.  They want to destroy me.  Looking at them, I wonder...how can I deny them victory?  They are so much bigger than me.  I am small and weak.  They are many.  I am alone.  Only I'm not alone.  There, standing in front of me is Jesus Christ.  He is shielding me!  He has taken every attack for me and He is still standing firm.  These monsters...they look at Him and drop to their knees.  They cower in fear.  They are blinded by His radiating light.  The monsters realize they have no power here, they cannot get to me.  But they will wait.  They will wait for any opportunity to sneak an attack.  But as long as I let Him, Jesus will be right there, protecting me.

Do not be intimidated by your monsters, no matter how large, or how many.  You have the ultimate protector, but you have to give Him the opportunity to protect.  I hope that my visual will help someone in their battle.  I'm on your side.  I want us all to win, this fight for our lives.

Isn't it comforting to know, God is bigger than all of this?  There is our hope.  There is our anchor.  We will not be moved.

Simply, Let Me Stay Here

Let me start by saying, God’s work is not done in me.  There is still healing taking place and one day I will be free of this cancer.  That is the “big picture.”   Complete healing.  Cure.  But it is important not to lose sight of the little details along the way.  My attitude could easily be, “Yes, everything is small right now.  But the cancer is still there.”  That is not healthy thinking.  If you focus on the negative, that’s all you’re going to have.  This is all a part of God’s plan for me.  I keep saying, “I’m going to get my miracle,” but the truth is, every day is a miracle.  Every single day is a gift to be treasured.  We are owed nothing in this world, to be here is an honor.

Every day I simply ask God to let me stay here.  When I sit outside, “Let me stay.”  When I watch my children, “Let me stay.”   When I look at my husband, “Let me stay.”  Well, here I am.  I just celebrated my 28th birthday a few days ago and I feel good and I am here.  The tumors and nodules are very small right now and though the cancer is still there, so is hope.  Hope is always there.  God is answering my prayers, even though I am not cancer free just yet.  Every day that I wake up is an answered prayer.   So do not be discouraged if your “big picture” doesn’t seem to be happening right now.  God is listening.  God is working.  Stay positive and trust in Him.

We all know that is what is expected of us.  That’s what God wants, is for us to trust Him.  Sometimes this is easier said than done.  Kind of like when my Dad is driving.   It might get tense.  Things might get a little scary.  But if I just close my eyes and trust that he indeed knows how to drive, I enjoy the ride much more.  Haha.  But seriously, when I let go of my worries and let God take control, my burden was lifted.  He carries it for me.  I enjoy life more without the worry.  Yes, I still have concerns in the back of my mind, but God is dealing with them.  I am comforted.  So close your eyes, and trust God.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight