The Day They Gave Me A Number

I was very optimistic about Hodgkins.  My age, symptoms, swollen lymph nodes, it all fit. There was no doubt in my mind I was going to survive this- no problem.  I had never been put to sleep before, and yet all of a sudden doctors were putting me under every other day it seemed for a biopsy or procedure.  I came to like it, actually.  I knew in just a minute I wouldn't be feeling any pain.  I just wanted to sleep.  The pain in my back had been excruciating from tumors pressing on nerves and whatever else.  Praise God that pain is almost nonexistent on most days!! (Hello, miracle.)  I got so sick, a reaction from the pain medicine, I lost almost 15 lbs in 2 weeks.  But the cure rate for Hodgkins is wonderful and I didn't let any of that get me down.  Well, we found out it wasn't Hodgkins.  When we finally met my oncologist, my parents, brother, and Patrick were all with me.  She came in and informed us that they weren't sure about where this cancer originated from yet, but it is very aggressive and fast spreading.  It is in my liver, lungs, and lymph nodes. She says it is stage 4 and it's treatable, but not curable.  I broke.  I was scared.  I cried.  Patrick held me as he cried.  That's when the question of "how much time am I going to lose from this?" came up. Six months or less without chemo.  Five years is very optimistic with the chemo.  My poor parents, Ryan, Patrick.  All I could say was "I don't want to die."  A million things could have run through my mind, but all I saw were my children.  I am not leaving them.  I will beat these numbers.  God knows my heart and he knows my desire to stay with my family.  I believe he will give that to me and I will forever glorify His name because of this.  I don't think about dying now.  My faith is strong and God has given me peace.  The sickness, probably losing my hair, all of that- I will take gladly!  Because I'm going to live.